


All of the little feelings

by Daisystypewriter



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, First Meetings, Fluff, Just a oneshot fic m8, Kleinsen, Lots of other shit, M/M, Possible suicide or self harm, Request me stuff it makes my day, Tree Bros, established relationships - Freeform, galaxy girls, idk - Freeform, maybe smut, nothing special, sincerely three
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2018-12-25 23:45:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12046803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisystypewriter/pseuds/Daisystypewriter
Summary: This is for all of the relationships, dynamics, prompts, aus, etc. that go unnoticed in the DEH fandom.You probably know me from the shitty but lovable "Well, I think he's nice."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey babes  
> This ones for you

"Can I have a kiss?" Connor asks from the couch. Evan rolls his eyes.

"If you insist," he says, making his way to the couch to peck his boyfriend on the lips. "I'm still mad at you, though," he states firmly when Connor looked just a little too smug. 

"One joint, lovely. Just one." He attempts a charming smile. Evan raises an eyebrow. 

"You were clean for a month, Connor! Down the drain! I want you to get better," he adds softly. Connor puts his head in his hands.

"God- I know. I know. Let me fix everything, Evan, won't you? I'll make dinner tonight. You go put your feet up," he said, and Evan almost gets sucked into it, nearly giving in to that sexy smile and those promises like he did when they were seventeen, but he pulls away in time. 

"Con, I- no. Stop it. If we're gonna fix this, then let's fix this! I don't wanna eat fajitas and pretend you haven't been talking to your dealer again. Just- you know you can talk to me about anything, right?" He asks tentatively. Connor sighs.

"Of course. Of course I know that. Just- you getting this new job, and becoming so- I dunno-"

"Independent?"

"Distant, lovely. Distant. It's been hard." Connor's words sting.

"Con, I've been working for three years on my therapy so that I can be calm enough to even have a job-" 

"Yes! And that's wonderful! I was the one who first took you to therapy, after all."

"So why can't you be happy for me? Why does me getting a nice job mean you start doing drugs again?" Evan's rubbing his temples, trying to understand.

"You're never around anymore," Connor mumbles. "I- suddenly our relationship is taking a backseat to a job at the State Park-" 

"Is that it? Am I not lavishing enough attention on Connor Murphy, the only man I think I'll ever love?" Evan's voice jumps octaves as he nearly shouts the words. 

Silence.

"I'm going to bed, Evan. If you're not coming with, just- remember to take your medication." It's an 'I love you' that Evan recognizes, and his breath hitches slightly, and he remembers how it all felt at first, those two teenagers from long ago trying to help each other in any way they could. He gives Connor a half smile.

"Go on. I'll be up in a bit. Really," he promises, and it's not entirely empty, for once. The gap between them is getting too wide, he thinks- but he thinks a lot of things. Not all of them have to be true. Not all of them. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where Evan is a destructive workaholic hellbent in finishing assignments early and his boyfriends just want him to go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

“He’s so cute,” Jared commented absently to Connor.

”Adorable.” Connor’s voice was deadpan, but he meant what he said. Evan tried to stifle a yawn as he waved off the two boys sitting on the couch across the room from him. 

”I can hear you guys, you know. I’m not asleep.” Evan mumbled, hastily sitting up all the way so he could finish his calculus homework without slumping over.

”We know,” Connor said, smiling. Evan blinked sleepily at his two boyfriends, confused as to why they were watching him so intently.

”Guys... you can watch tv... it’s not gonna bother me,” Evan sighed, eyes fluttering shut. Connor and Jared exchanged a look.

“Not happening, cutie. You need to go to bed.” Jared said, arms crossed. The two taller boys approached his desk. Evan tossed up his hands.

”What the heck, guys? It’s like ten. I gotta finish my calc and Environmental science homework, and then I will be happy to go to bed with you two goofs.” Evan rubbed at his eyes and turned back to his work. They didn’t move.

”Evan. It’s one am. Cut this out, baby,” Connor said, reaching to pull Evan’s notebook away. Evan gasped and cradled it to his chest. Regaining his composure, he patted Connor’s hand.

”I’ll be fine. I just gotta finish this.” He smiled, hoping he was getting away with it. He wasn’t. Connor and Jared shrugged at one another. They had tried the easy way. Now it was time for plan B.

Jared pried Evan’s notebook away and together the two of them lifted a hissing, sleep deprived Evan up the stairs. He fought them every step of the way, even though he knew it was probably for his own good. “Con, Jar, just lemme finish my homework...” he kept saying, but they were having none of it. Eventually they got him up to the bedroom, and he sullenly brushed his teeth, rambling about how important it was for him to get that stuff done two weeks ahead of time.

Once he was adequately clean and in pajamas, Evan was finally realizing how tired he actually was. His eyelids dropped as his boyfriends put him to bed, and he reduced his once firey kicking to feeble swings of the legs.

”Please?” He asked one last time as they settled in, Connor and Jared on either side of him. Connor smiled and booped his nose.

”Just try to relax, lovebug,” he said, pressing a kiss into Evan’s shoulder. Jared nodded in agreement.

”How’s about me and Con be your study buddies tomorrow, huh? Right now, just breathe.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon that Zoe calls Alana by nicknames when things are good, and ONLY says Alana when shit has gone down.
> 
> Headcanon that Evan and Alana are members of a workaholic squad™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids. Galaxy girls to make ya smile :)
> 
> Heads up next chapter is to be PAINFUL per request, so keep an eye out for that.

“On the list of things that are unacceptable, grabbing my boob in a K-Mart is at the top,” Alana hissed to me, but I could only laugh. I wrapped my arms around her, mumbling something even I neglected to understand. 

“No, go on, A plus,” I murmured, grinning as she blushed at the nickname. “What did you need to get from K-Mart? At three in the fucking morning?” I asked, head resting on her shoulder. 

“Don’t mock me and my projects, Zoe,” Alana giggled, browsing through the office supplies. “It was actually a good idea.” I raised an eyebrow and detached from the warmth of her body.

”A plus? Darling, not to be judgemental, but at times like these, you think that creating a rival company to Jamba Juice using only vegetable protein shakes is a good idea,” I giggled, latching onto her hand. She rolled her eyes.

”Zo, I hadn’t slept in a week at the time!”

”Lana. Marshmallow. Darling. A plus-“

”Stop rehashing your nicknames for me!”

”When was the last time you slept for more than an hour, my love? Or eaten a real meal?” I asked gently, squeezing her hand. She looked at her shoes. “ _When_ , sweetheart?”

”Five days since I slept, two since I’ve eaten,” she muttered petulantly. My mouth folded into a tight line. 

“Shopping trip over. We’re going home now, Alana,” I said, brow creasing as she finally allowed herself to show her fatigue, practically collapsing into me. I wrapped a nervous hand around her waist and led her out to my junky Slugbug. 

I gently placed my wife inside and buckled her up before making my way to the other side. I rested my hand on hers, admiring the ring that stayed contently on her fourth finger. 

“Enough is enough, Alana. This is the last time this is gonna happen, right?” I asked, starting up the car. She didn’t say anything. “Alana, what’s going on with you? I need you to help me help you. Tell me when you’re having trouble sleeping. You know I’m good at helping you when th-“

”Zoe, why did you marry me?” Alana asked me quietly.

”Is that even a question?”

”Yes. It is.” Her voice was clipped and desperate as I rounded a corner, her businesswoman tone resurfacing, something I hadn’t heard in years.

”Alana Murphy. I married you because you make me feel like no one else can. Honestly. You listen to whatever shitty song I’m writing or whatever I have on my chest about Connor, you kiss me and let your guard down, you let me dance with you at home. You make bulleted lists of things we need to buy and reasons you love me and put them both on the fridge. I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone but you. Hell, it makes me kinda pissed to imagine you having a last name other than Murphy, darling. Never ever question why I love you.”

By the time I finished, we were in our driveway, and I realized I had been spilling the contents of my mind far too much, shit, but Alana just kissed me, feather light, before collapsing on my chest and breaking down in tears. Worry coursing through my body, I held her there, whispering sweet nothings, until she lifted her head from my now damp shirt. 

“Sorry,” she mumbled, and I rolled my eyes and went to her side of the car to support her on our walk back to our room. 

“I love you- a fucking lot, okay? I’m not trying to ruin your life,” I whispered, holding her hand and a glass of water as we sat on the edge of the bathtub together. She nodded slowly and downed the melatonin pill, following it with the water. I breathed a sigh of relief. My wife isn’t going to die of fatigue, I let myself think at last.

”Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you,” she whispered back. “I wanna get better. I just... don’t like worrying you?” She said softly as we made our way to the kitchen.

“I worry less when my wife is sleeping and eating on a regular basis. God, you and Evan ought to have a sleepover,” I laughed quietly as I led her to the table. I made her a huge bowl of trail mix, a ham and cheese sandwich, and a bag of popcorn, watching nervously as she ate, praying to god this wasn’t going to happen again.

The sleeping pill was just starting to kick in, so I took her to our bed, carefully laying her down on her side. Her braids fanned out around her head in a halo, making her look like an angel with high functioning anxiety. Which she was, at least to me. 

She was already nodding off, long lashes fluttering closed. 

“Good night, my love,” I whispered, pulling the covers over her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fuck you, Evan. Asshole.” 
> 
> Or, what happens when Jared Kleinman carries around a death wish for years before being suddenly forgotten by his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! BIG TW: self harm, intrusive thoughts, suicide attempt.
> 
> Anyway, next chapter will be happier, so look forward to that!

“Go on. Do it. Tell the whole world how you pretended to be a kid who killed himself.” Evan’s words were harsh and biting where they were usually stammered and painfully shy. 

“Fuck you, Evan.” Jared said, feeling his heart begin to break. “Asshole.” He stormed down the hall, thinking of nothing but the razor in his backpack. Evan reached out to him, for a moment, but let his arm hang at his side. He shook his head and went to class. 

The razor. The razor in Jared’s backpack that he had kept since sophomore year, when breathing started to feel more like drowning. He didn’t think of it as a suicidal tendency, more, an insurance policy for when things got too shitty. He’d never had occasion to use it. Until now.

 _Maybe if you weren’t so worthless and detached, this wouldn’t be happening to you. Family friends, car insurance, fuck, fuck, fuck._ He took a shaky breath and headed into the boys upstairs bathroom.

There were probably better places to off yourself than a public high school bathroom, but Jared couldn’t be bothered to give a shit, and this bathroom was always empty anyway. There was probably some bullshit cruel layer of irony they could shake their heads over at his funeral. If anyone noticed he was gone at all, that is.

Tears were welling up in his eyes, and he shakily wiped them away, laughing at himself a little. _Hiding all of your emotions for four years, and you start crying just before you seal the deal? That’s pretty pathetic, Kleinman, even for you._ He sat on the floor and pulled the razor out of his bag. He’d been thinking about it for days now, just letting go of it all, but he had figured he wouldn’t have the guts to do it. He had figured wrong. 

The way Evan had... forgotten him, the minute something better came along, it made Jared feel sick to his stomach. Crying a little harder now, he made a thin cut across his wrist. His heart beat faster but his breathing slowed as he watched the blood trickle neatly from his arm. He went deeper.

Slash. That’s for him ignoring me. 

Slash. This is because no one cares.

Slash. That’s because it’ll take days for my folks to even ask about me.

Slash. This is for my worthless fucking brain.

Slash. That’s because I’m a joke, no matter what I do, and I always will be.

Slash. Even when I’m gone.

The world fell away into a blank nothingness.

 

Evan tried to tell himself he wasn’t worried. Jared was an adult, if he wanted to skip English, that was his choice. Nothing was going on. He could feel the bubble of anxiety rising in his chest, so he shakily asked to go to the bathroom. 

He sighed with relief, shutting his eyes as he closed the door behind him. When he opened them, Evan screamed.

Evan was greeted with the sight of Jared himself, slumped over next to the corner sink, tiny and sickly pale. Blood spilled steadily off of his wrists, which were cut to ribbons. 

Evan rushed to his body. “J-J-Jared, no, no, no, h-hey J-Jared, wake up, nonono I’m s-s-sorry, nononono, I’m sorry, fuck. Fuckfuckfuck no I t-take everything ba-back, J-Jar? You’re my only friend waitwaitnononofuck please _please_  ohmygod, SOMEBODY H-HELP ME, SOMEONE HELP, PLEASEPLEASEOHMYGOD-“ He grabbed wads of paper towels and held them to his gushing wrists, sobbing uncontrollably.

Two teachers ran in to see Evan holding Jared up, trying and failing to carry the larger boy, still crying his eyes out and gasping for air. Jared faded back into consciousness for a moment, smiling deliriously as he felt himself in Evan’s shaky arms.

_Even when the dark comes crashing through,_

_When you need a friend to carry you,_

_And when you’re broken on the ground,_

_You will be found._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and requests make my fricken DAY guys I’m not kidding


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trans Evan and Good Boyfriend™ Jared are a good pair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D

**Me: i’ll be over in a few minutes. love you, dork**

**Evan <3: Yeah**

**Evan <3: Love you too**

**Me: you ok?**

**Evan <3: Can we talj aboutt it wehn you come over pkease**

**Me: of course, ill be right over, okay?**

 

That was a bad sign. Evan never made typos unless he was crying or panicking, so Jared figured he’d better speed it up. He jumped into his white pickup and raced to Evan’s house. He grabbed the spare key from inside the flowerpot by the front door and dashed inside, up the stairs to Evan’s room, only to see him crying in the hallway, hugging his knees.

”Ev, Ev, hey, what’s going on? I’m here, it’s okay, whatever it is.” Jared sat down next to Evan, wrapping an arm around him, only to have Evan pull away.

”No it isn’t!” Evan exclaimed, tears running down his cheeks. “Why- why do you even like me, anyway? I th-thought you, you were into _men_.” He spat out the word, gesturing towards his body. Evan didn’t have the money for surgery or hormones, but he wanted them, so, so badly because he couldn’t see himself as manly, even with the binder and the haircut.

”Evan. Babe, I am into men. Specifically, the man right here. What’s going on?”

”Came out to my dad,” Evan muttered. “Figured even if he’s in Colorado, he might wanna know to stop addressing birthday cards to Emily,” he continued, wiping furiously at his wet cheeks. “He said he had already had a son, that I wasn’t him, that the only son he had was in C-Colorado with him...” Evan finally allowed himself to be enfolded in Jared’s arms.

“C’mere, angel. I can tell you for sure,” he said, grunting as he stood up with Evan in his arms, “that your dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Because his gorgeous, strong _son_ is everything anyone could possibly want and more,” he said, punctuating his statement with a kiss to Evan’s cheek. 

He carried Evan off to bed, took his binder off so he could breathe more normally, and pulled a blanket over the two of them. 

“Look at you,” Jared cooed, holding him close. “Look at my handsome man here with me.” Evan held onto him tightly, pressing his red and tearful face into Jared’s chest.

”Prettiest boy alive, hm?” Jared continued, stroking the shorter boy’s hair.  “I love your beautiful, deep voice and that manly haircut, sweet boy.” He praised, kissing at the top of his head and running his hands up and down Evan’s shaking torso.

”Th-thank you, J-Jar,” Evan said, voice hitching as his crying slowed to a stop. 

“Just tryin’ to do right by you, lover boy,” Jared said quietly, shifting him out of my chest so I could look him in the eyes. “Your dad’s an asshole, Ev. He’s crazy. You’re the most amazing man ever,” Jared said earnestly, kissing him slowly, softly.

”N-no,” Evan stammered, blushing.

”Y-yes,” Jared teased him, kissing him again.

”I can only make second place, next to you,” Evan smiled, before crashing his lips against Jared’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Request something!! I really try to do everything y’all suggest!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor knows how to get what he wants.  
> Big NSFW warning: It smutty as heck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First attempt at smut! Hope you kids like it :)

Connor knows how to get what he wants.

Sure, sometimes he’ll take the lead when he and Evan get... intimate, but other times he needs something different from Evan. And he’s really good at getting it.

He starts off with teasing. It always starts that way, usually in public. This time, they’re eating lunch with Jared when Connor slides his hand over to Evan’s lap. At first, it could almost be mistaken for a sweet gesture, and Evan attempts to lace their fingers together. 

Connor has other plans and squeezes his thigh, hard. It’s enough to draw a bitten off squeak from Evan and he turns,  red, gives Connor a look but continues eating. Jared’s rambling off some story about summer camp, so Connor feels it’s safe to continue. He grabs Evan’s crotch once, lightly, almost like an accident. But then it turns into something dirtier and Evan chokes on his drink. 

Thank god this restaurant has tablecloths, if only to hide Connor’s needy groping from Jared. 

Evan tries to say something but it isn’t coming out, just stuttered squeaks. Jared doesn’t think much of it, that’s how Evan normally talks anyway, but he does frown at Connor in concern when Ev, unable to take it anymore, hides his face in his arms. 

“Hey, babe,” he says innocently, still palming Evan through his khakis, “You okay? Maybe we oughta go on home-“ He receives enthusiastic nods from a bright red Evan. He shrugs apologetically at Jared and walks his boyfriend out of the restaurant. 

 

“Was that too much? I don’t wanna pressure you-“ he says nervously, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as Evan buckles in. 

“No! No, no, I- I liked it, it was, it was just the farthest we-we’ve gone in public,” Evan assures quickly. “I am still very interested in, in repaying you for the, the stunt you pulled,” Evan says, gesturing towards his tight khakis. Connor laughs and steps on the gas. 

His hand continues to play upon Evan’s thigh the whole way home, and even though he doesn’t need to, he still blushes and muffles his squeaks. 

 

They’re just _on_ each other from the second they’re out of the car. Evan grabs his hand and they rush inside quickly. This is the part where it gets better for Connor, the initial teasing has been done, and it’s time to tear Evan apart until the shorter boy has no choice but to fuck him. 

He presses Evan into the wall, pinning his hands over his head. And shit, Hansen’s jawline is just there, begging to be marked up. He waits for the nod from Evan and goes in, making a masterpiece of his neck and jaw, savoring Evan’s bitten off moans as he licks and sucks. He keeps one hand on both of Evan’s, but uses the other to reach underneath his polo. He trails his hand up the smaller boy’s torso, making him shiver, before tweaking a nipple, all the while kissing him with abandon. 

Evan groans into the kiss, parting his lips more to allow Connor better access. And then the hands are on the hem of Evan’s shirt, and he just nods, _yes,_ because he needs more, he needs Connor. 

Connor kisses him again, firmly, while he gets to work on Evan’s zipper. He shucks his khakis quickly, before they realize they’re still in the hallway. Connor grabs Evan’s hand and pulls him into his bedroom, tossing him quickly on the bed and climbing on top of him. Experimentally, he slots a leg in between Evan’s, and _fuck_ he has got to do that again sometime because Evan just made the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard.

”I love you so fucking much,” he murmurs, before kissing from his lips down his chest and stomach. Looking up at Evan for another nod, he pulls off the smaller boy’s boxers, and everything is hot and blurry, and Connor just fits his lips over Evan’s aching member. 

Evan lets go of a moan he would have hidden earlier, taking hold of Connor’s hair to guide him. Connor swirls his tongue around the head before sinking down, bobbing his head. Evan’s a moaning mess by now, and Connor knows it won’t be too much longer. But Evan gives him this lust filled look from his place in the pillows, and Connor needs him now, he needs him, and so he hollows his cheeks around Evan’s cock.

Evan arches his back off of the bed, losing all capabilities of speech. After a moment or two of this he pulls Connor off of his length, panting. Connor looks up in alarm.

”Are you okay? What’s going on? Oh my god, did I hurt you-“ Evan smiled and cuts him off.

”Y-you’re fine. Just, I don’t want to end our fun early,” he says, offering a lazy grin. “And isn’t it a little unfair that you still have my clothes on and I don’t?” Connor bites his lip.

”Fair enough,” he says, beginning to pull off his shirt, but Evan stops him.

”Uh-uh. Let me take care of this. You’ve earned it,” he says, voice thick with lust. He takes Connor’s shirt off of him slowly, kissing every inch of skin he can get to. Evan takes his time as he rids Connor of his jeans, taking in the beautiful sight of his hips and chest and... well. He brings his hand between Connor’s legs, mimicking his ministrations in the restaurant. 

When it looks like Connor’s on the brink, he stops, reaching over him to get the lube and condom from the nightstand. He rolls it on quickly before coating his fingers in lube and pushes one in, smirking at how Connor hisses.

He knows the brunette doesn’t like much prep, but he almost can’t help himself, listening to his helpless little cries as he fingers him mercilessly. 

“You’re beautiful like this, Con, all laid out for me,” he mutters, his confidence finally making an appearance.

”For you,” Connor weakly agrees, gasping as Evan hits that place inside him with two curled fingers. Eventually the taller boy tires off Evan’s teasing (a rich joke, in Evan’s opinion, considering his earlier actions) and whines for him to fuck him already. 

Well.

How can Evan turn a polite request like that?

He lines himself up to the other boy’s hole, asking once more if he’s sure he wants to do this. Connor rolls his eyes and repeats his earlier request. Evan presses a kiss lightly to his lips and pushes in, eliciting a moan from the other.

The blonde looked for the okay from Connor before rolling his hips back. Another nod and he slams into him, panting. They set a steady pace, Evan rolling his hips languidly into Connor’s waiting body. 

Every thrust sends Connor bouncing, and there’s a lilt in every moan, driving Evan wild.

”Shit- y-yes, so perfect- for me, Con,” he grunts, snapping his hips particularly hard. Connor moans in agreement. He’s digging his fingers into his lovers back, but he doesn’t care. He just needs more- he needs- he needs-

“S-so close, Ev, I’m gonna-“ he cuts himself off with a whimper. Evan nods, speeding up.

”C’mon, Connor, babe, come for me, make those pretty s-sounds, fuck,” Evan whispers dirtily in his ear, and that’s it, that’s what makes him go undone, spilling onto his chest. Evan follows seconds later with a high pitched, breathy whine, Connor’s name upon his lips. 

 

“Was that-“ He asks a few minutes later.

”Yeah, th-that was-“

”It was amazing,” Connor sighs.

“Definitely,” Evan agrees. “Love you,” He mumbles, already half asleep. Connor smiles, carding a hand through the blonde hair.

”Love you too.”


End file.
